Couples Sexual Desire, Part II

Desire for an intimate, secure relationship is a major force in the decision to marry.  An intimate marriage facilitates sexual desire.  In fact, a prime function of marital sexuality is to reinforce and deepen intimacy.  The essence of intimacy is feeling emotionally close, connected, and valued.   Intimacy provides energizing special feelings

How best can you express those feelings? There are many ways of expressing feelings that nurture intimacy of course, but here are some suggestions for expressing your feelings to your partner that can particularly nurture sexual feelings*:

  • I desire you. It can be validating to admit desire and energizing to feel desirable.  The expression of desire reinforces your partner’s sense of personal and sexual worth and promotes intimate communication.  You can desire your partner in affectionate, sensual, playful, erotic, and sexual ways.
  • You make me feel good.  This is almost a definition of a good lover.  It is important to tell your partner that they please you.  Feeling good is not limited however to a sexual expression.  It includes respect (Wow, I felt so proud of you when you spoke the other night)…trust (You’re always there for me, honey!) …and emotional intimacy…
  • Emotional intimacy:  I care about you.  Expression of interest and concern is always welcome, but it is especially important in times of stress and trouble.  It is a fact of human behavior that expressing care increases the amount of genuine care and intimacy. Caring and sharing can increase sexual desire.
  • Touching…..is integral to your intimate relationship.  Touching allows both partners to express feelings of warmth and caring, whether it is simply holding hands, putting arms around one another,, kissing, or non-demand sensual touching and massage. (non-demand: not necessarily expecting sexual intimacy).  Nevertheless, these scenarios can certainly serve as bridges to sexual desire.

Above suggestions are borrowed from Barry and Emily McCarthy, Sexual Awareness…..

Picture of Jim Covington

Jim Covington

Jim Covington (M.Div. MA, LMFT) has been helping couples improve their relationships for more than 30 years. He holds degrees are in psychology and theology, is a licensed New York marriage and family therapist, a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists and has been trained in multiple approaches to marital/couples therapy and family therapy.

He has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, externship training with the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and PREP (Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program), and employs Solution Oriented Brief Therapy as taught by Michelle Weiner-Davis.
Picture of Jim Covington

Jim Covington

Jim Covington (M.Div. MA, LMFT) has been helping couples improve their relationships for more than 30 years. He holds degrees are in psychology and theology, is a licensed New York marriage and family therapist, a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists and has been trained in multiple approaches to marital/couples therapy and family therapy.

He has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, externship training with the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and PREP (Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program), and employs Solution Oriented Brief Therapy as taught by Michelle Weiner-Davis.