Proactive Ways to Create a Good Marriage: Talk and Touch

Talk and Touch!  Did you ever hear the Paul Simon song, “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover”? It’s a humorous song about a not-so-funny subject (the break-up of Simon’s marriage.)  The song does make a good point about how to succeed in marriage.

The song’s ultimate point is that once you make up your mind to do something, action is sure to follow.  Whether you decide to leave or love, it’s the decision that is most important. Once the decision is in your head, there are 50 ways you could do either.

Do you want to save your marriage?  At least you know WHAT you want.  The only question left is HOW.  HOW will you restore your marriage?

It happens through ACTIONS.  But what Actions?

I suggest trying a Talk Charge and a Touch Charge.
A Talk Charge is a 60-second positive verbal interaction with your spouse about a NON-LOGISTICAL matter.  It’s a fun or frivolous chat.  And you do NOT need your spouses’ cooperation. If necessary, you talk, and they listen. A voicemail can even work.

A Touch Charge is similar but it uses touch instead of talk.  A Touch Charge is a loving physical gesture with your spouse.  It’s not foreplay or an advance for lovemaking; it’s just a warm touch for the sake of connection in that moment. If one of you is resistant, let me know and we can talk about that.

The point is this: if you can establish Right Habits and do them consistently–talk and touch every day, for example, you will probably begin to feel more connected.

You can’t turn your marriage around with one Herculean event.  There’s no gift you can give, favor you can o, or letter you can write.  When your marriage is on the rocks, it’s common to want to “microwave” it better.  But you can’t . There’s no quick fix.  There’s no one thing you can do or say that will turn things around.  It took you years to get into this mess; it’s going to take time for you to get out of it.  And what’s the way out? Listen carefully.

Failed marriages eventually succeed because at least one spouse commits to doing SMALL THINGS in great ways over an extended period of time.

Do you want a REAL change in your marriage?  Then establish the RIGHT HABITS and do them CONSISTENTLY and genuinely. Talk and touch every day. If you are interested in reading the 50 Ways, go to my blog post following this one. My challenge to you is to pick 3 or 4 Talk Charge and Touch Charges out of the list you really want to focus on and do. REMINDER: Go to the next blog post to read the 50 ways……  Jim Covington

Picture of Jim Covington

Jim Covington

Jim Covington (M.Div. MA, LMFT) has been helping couples improve their relationships for more than 30 years. He holds degrees are in psychology and theology, is a licensed New York marriage and family therapist, a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists and has been trained in multiple approaches to marital/couples therapy and family therapy.

He has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, externship training with the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and PREP (Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program), and employs Solution Oriented Brief Therapy as taught by Michelle Weiner-Davis.
Picture of Jim Covington

Jim Covington

Jim Covington (M.Div. MA, LMFT) has been helping couples improve their relationships for more than 30 years. He holds degrees are in psychology and theology, is a licensed New York marriage and family therapist, a clinical member of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapists and has been trained in multiple approaches to marital/couples therapy and family therapy.

He has completed Level 3 Practicum Training in Gottman Method Couples Therapy, externship training with the International Center for Excellence in Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) for couples and PREP (Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program), and employs Solution Oriented Brief Therapy as taught by Michelle Weiner-Davis.